If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans “My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'” – Alan Carrġ05 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window.
“ The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne (Photo: ) “Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict.
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“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe “If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld “If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg “I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock “I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders.